Marmalade on Wry » Uncategorized

Open Adoption

Administrator — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 23:16:54 +0000

I have opinions, as anybody who knows me well can attest. As I’ve gotten older I think I have more patience for other people’s opinions and lifestyle choices. I just wish other people were on this journey with me. We are part of an open adoption with my daughter’s first family, grandparents, parents, the whole group. I know every adoption situation is different, but I think the most important over-arching concept that has ruled my thoughts on adoption for the last 6 months since the death of my J (Lily’s birthmother) is that I may be called on to explain all of this to her one day. I have really taken that to heart as a parent.

I need to be able to explain why we don’t eat meat. I need to be able to explain why we chose adoption. I need to be able to explain why she can’t watch another tv show. Everything!

Little and big things, but clarified through the lens of needing to defend my position, really helps me to think about why I choose what I choose. Does that make sense? I hope other adoptive parents grasp that for their situation too. They may well be called to answer questions one day about why they have a certain level of openness with their family of origin. Can you defend your position?

City Life

Administrator — Tue, 05 Apr 2011 00:29:36 +0000

I grew up in suburbia, but spent all of my adult life living in rural areas, small towns, until last year. Some sort of fire lit in our family & we decided to move to a big city, Portland, Oregon. Packing & moving were hell, but now that we are settled, our quality of life is so enriched it’s awesome to us.
We see concerts, go to museums, can eat food from almost any culture in the world, all within a half hour drive of our house. It seems endless the number of benefits we have living here. A real international airport, dog parks, Trader Joe’s, these are all these great innovations that were never accessible to me before, and I love them, I really truly do.
I loved the quiet of the small town life, but when Thai food or cupcakes are delivered to my door, it’s hard to remember why.

And the rain keeps tumbling down

Administrator — Sat, 05 Mar 2011 01:01:51 +0000

Last October we lost a family member. She lived on the other side of the country, and we didn’t talk much, but it was a tremendous loss. The grief was different because only my household had ever met her, and yet we had planned to have her in our lives forever. It was this potential relationship that we really mourn, and I have been unable to find anyone who has been through a similar situation (which in the day & age of the Internet is truly remarkable).

We lost J, our daughter’s birth-mother, first-mother, whatever words make most sense to you. We went into the open adoption situation so that our daughter, Lily, would have access to information and the potential for a life-long relationship. Now that has been taken from us all, my daughter, her first-mother, me, the birth-father.

I remember when Lily was born & we discussed how open we wanted everything to be with the agency mediating. J & I had the same philosophy of wait & see how we all feel, why codify things now when who knows what the future will bring? Besides the agency had already advised us that no of it was legally enforceable anyway, it’s an ethical agreement. (I wonder if they told the birth-parents that?)

So many people want the birth-parents to go away, I did not. Our agency said they probably would disappear, they were wrong (I wonder if they tell every family that?)

This is such an ongoing situation now, how will our daughter have access to pictures and information? Do we make contact with J’s family? How do we stay in contact with her half-brothers? What do we tell family & friends when they ask about her? A child psychologist friend told me that whatever I do, I’ll have to be able to explain it later to Lily. I will fight for answers to questions she cannot ask yet, because when she is grown, the answers may be out of reach.

I’ve always been a believer in the truth, so I told the kids everything I knew in age appropriate ways. Lily was with me on speaker phone when I first heard the unbelievable news that J was gone. We didn’t know at the time what the cause of death was, that required weeks of waiting & a full autopsy. And at three years old, Lily didn’t really ask how J died, which was okay because I was unable to say.

Five months later a grandparent came to visit, and as I drove through the rainy night, I got to hear Lily give a near verbatim account of what happened that day. The car was quiet, and it was a sad & beautiful tale. I got to hear my almost 4 year old Lily say how sad mommy was when J died. I am glad she knows that, that I mourned, and still do.

I will always be able to explain why I was sad, and that feeling will never be out of reach.

RIP grandpa

Administrator — Fri, 28 Jan 2011 23:09:04 +0000

I got the voicemail from my dad a little while ago, my grandpa died eating lunch today. He was in a bad mood apparently, and my dad was suspecting he had another stroke. He was about to tell him that’s what he suspected, and my grandpa just stopped. He was born in 1916, we was a retired government employee, a veteran, and the only grandpa I ever had. I’ll miss him.

Oh my blog, my poor neglected blog.

Administrator — Thu, 27 Jan 2011 20:35:33 +0000

I so wanted to be an awesome food blogger, I have so many opinions about food. Then life is happening. And although I continue to eat & have good & bad experiences in restaurants all over the world, food is only part of life. Meanwhile the comment spam keeps happening over here. And life continues on.
This week one of my good friends, a sort of earth mother hippie-momma type, her daughter posted some nastiness on Facebook. It really bothered me, and I thought about it several times over the next few days. Her daughter is 13, and the post was full of invective & cursing about another girl at her school. There were more than 50 comments, continuing name-calling, just terrible. Bullying, mean, just horrific all around.
Well, after 3 days I checked and the post was still there. Now both of her parents are on FB, and this young woman is FB friends with a number of adults. I finally decided that I should stick my nose in and let the mom know what her daughter was doing on FB, even if it meant she thought I was budding in inappropriately. If my kids were speaking like that to other people, I would want to know, but I have met plenty of parents who don’t see their own child’s issues. I tread carefully, I wrote thoughtfully. I hit send.

And then I just let go. What ever will be, will be, but I don’t want to be a bystander to hate.

I received two messages back from my friend, the first of shock because she was unaware, and thanking me for letting her know. The second message was more about the general follow-up, and how the girls had actually already made-up by the time she asked her daughter to delete the post.

Being angry is OK. Leaving your anger out for everyone to see, especially when your anger is poised on a 13 year old girl, is just sad & bullying. I’m glad I’m still have my friend, but I’m also really glad that the angry messages are gone & not continuing to feed the beast of hate.

I’m not going to proof read, it is what it is.

Our Thanksgiving Menu-2006

Administrator — Thu, 23 Nov 2006 04:12:02 +0000

Our Thanksgiving menu for 7 guests:

Turkey & Tofurky

Gravy

Bread stuffing with dried cherries

Glazed pearl onions

Cranberry relish

Mashed potatoes

Sweet potatoes with pineapple & homemade vegetarian marshmallows

Glazed yams

Roasted green beans

Corn on the cob

Devilled eggs

Cranberry orange bread

Olives

Fruit salad

Pumpkin pie

Fruitcake

Cranberry upside-down cake

Fudge (made by my daughter)

Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider

Iced tea